Anne will be there, sometimes, in my dreams. She is back from the dead or she was never ill in the first place. Usually though, she is still very sick. It's confusing for a moment and then I'm relieved and happy to see her. Last night the old gang was hanging out and suddenly I saw her from across the room. She was laying on a white sofa, looking lonely and unwell.
Almost 5 years ago I met up with Henrik outside the hospital. The weather was crisp and nice and we walked the grounds while his wife was being moved to the intensive care unit. It was a Saturday morning and only a few days ago Anne had been making dinner appointments with friends. Radiation and medication had wiped out her immune system and suddenly she was rushed to the hospital. Henrik looked like a trench war soldier. The hospital was running on a skeleton crew for the weekend and he was telling me about incompetence, blood and piss. We had known for a long time that Anne would die and the closer it came the harder he fought to keep her alive.
He asked me if I wanted to see her. I said "yes, of course", but I can not remember entering the hospital nor how we got to the ICU. Suddenly she was there, across the room, propped up on pillows in a big hospital bed. She whimpered and squirmed in her sleep. She was very pale behind the flush from the fever and the heavy pain killers had made her bloated. Henrik went to her and stroked her chin and she stirred and muttered some words before settling down. There must have been nurses or doctors around, but I can not remember seeing any. I took a step back and felt more frightened than I ever been in my life.
I was scared she would wake and see me. That she would be confused and scared seeing me there. I was scared I would make it harder for Henrik, harder for her and harder for me. I told myself I should give them some privacy and left saying something of no importance. Henrik called me the next morning to tell me that Anne had just died.
Last night I saw her from across the room again and this time I went and held her in my arms and kissed her goodbye.
